Visalia

So I am spending time in my home town with my family. Took a few photos. I would like to take more if I can this week. Before I do....I need to clean the sensor in my camera. My goodness its dirty!

CHRISTmas Merry

So Merry Christmas to all. My big gift this year was a new modifier for my ring flash. I already had the 56 inch octibank along with a cookie that re-creates another ring flash that is diffused. Pure awesome. But I wanted to get the 36 inch octibank for my ring flash....but this one comes with tons of cookies that will make awesome catch lights in the eyes. As you can see, the example of my dad was done in no time at all in my back yard. I just wanted to see how it would work. I think I want to use this for more of my dog photography. We will see :) Either way, I am stoked to have it.

In years passing, seasons and life's outlooks change so much. When I think about it, I am so oppisite from what I used to be. I used to love rainy days with no sun in sight. I used to love the night. I used to feel like I was on estacy when November and December came around. Now, I only want sun, I am basically afraid of the night and I felt practically homeless this winter. I felt so out of my element. Last year I broke a 5 year tradition. I always make duct tape cards, write on them with sharpie and deliver them at 3am Christmas morning to all my friends. Last year, I was so out of it and just so burnt out that I didn't have it in me to do it. I was tired of a lot of my friends taking my deliveries for grantit. And this year, I ended up making 7 cards for 7 deliveries at 4am. But this year was different. I didn't care if one person even said thanks. I finally understood what giving is. You give because it is an action that does not need human aproval. Giving just makes you a better person. It is a very humanizing and Christ like action. When you sacrafice the reward of giving for the reward of people and their opinions, you will always feel empty in the end. Driving around in the dark this morning made me realize how much my heart has been wanting to give and how much my body has not allowed it. I love to give though. I have become so consumed with trying to make it in the industry that I forgot how to give. The more I tried to find myself and my place in the world, the more I lost sight of who I was. The more.....I began to hate myself. There is a song by Mewithoutyou where the lyrics say "The glass can only spill what it contains." It is so true though. I have had nothing to spill. Being home has made me realize this. Hopefully, I can put my faith in God and He will fill the glass once more.

Gifts are funny. Today was proof that the most expensive gift is not always going to be the best gift. Out of all the gifts I got today, only two really matter to me. First would be all the different ways my parents would try to write the To: and From:. They would make up all these funny lines about things that has happened in the last year. For one of them they wrote To: The Papa Poser From: Your not so photogenic parents (in reference to my photo series I did with my Grandpa and how my mom blinks any time you ever try to take a picture of her. Its pretty funny). I kept every one. The second gift that I treasured most was a gift my dad gave to me. It was my first orniment. He teaches wood shop at the high school and he made me it. Its a wooden white snow flake with a pinguin waving on it. So preacious. That gift alone made my Christmas. I loved it. Just the compassion, time and love that had to go into making it. It was the best gift I got today. I love my family. I am so blessed to have such loving parents and awesome brothers. Really....I am so blessed....

Pull!

This post might gross out people so just a warning.

On December 6th, I went with my roommate Steven to watch him do a pull which is where they put 6 gauge hooks in your back and you pull against other people with hooks in their back. It is an extremely intense experience. You learn a lot about your body when it comes to pain and you become very aware of your body all together. It is something that words can not really explain. While there, they needed a 4th....so they asked me if I would be interested. This would be the first piercing I have ever had done to me. I have never gotten a tattoo or a piercing. I thought long and hard about it and finally decided yes. I have always wanted to do a 4 point suicide suspension which is where they put 4 hooks in your back and you hang off the ground by the hooks. I figured this would be a stepping stone to see if I could really take it. They put the hooks in and I felt the pain centralize in my head. My mind was able to wrap around the pain and have total control. It is one of those times in your life where you are faced with a great amount of pain and you have to decide right then and there if you are going to let the pain take over your body or if you are going to acknowledge it but control it. The whole experience was so insane. I mean, while doing the pull I was able to free fall/lean and not have to fall due to my hooks holding me. I know this probably seems insane. When my roommate first told me about doing suspensions 5 years ago, I thought it was the most insane, retarded thing ever. I mean, why would anyone in their right mind want to put hooks in them and try to hang/pull by it? But the more I thought about it, the more curious I became. Well, there must be a reason for it. The law of Causality states that for everything, there is a cause and effect. For a controlled cause, there must be a rewarding effect of some sort. An effect that would have nothing to do with how you were raised, using pain as a sexual experience or feeling like you deserve the hurt. There had to be more. I talked with my friend Paul about it who has done numerous suspensions/pulls. He said that he had seen this woman who was a wreck. She couldn't hold down a job, was addicted to heroin, and was a mess with every guy she was ever with. She did a suspension, had this radical experience and after the suspension, she cleaned up her life completely. Buckled down with a job, stopped doing drugs and got her life together. I know what some of you might be thinking who know me and I will say this. Jesus can do just that and so much more. I don't care how cheesy it sounds but it's true. But here is this experience where people are reaching a state of nirvana and pushing their bodies to the limit. It was just such an interesting concept. I was so curious and I wanted to discover it for myself. I ended up pulling for about 90 minutes while my roommate went on for almost 3 hours. All I know is that come my birthday May 25th, I want to do a suspension. For me, it would be more spiritual than anything else. It is this experience where they put holes in your body and you hang off the ground. Kind of like when Jesus was put on a cross....in a way. I feel like it will be something that reveals to me more so what Jesus might have gone through. I will never fully understand, but at least I can come closer to knowing. What it is like to be off the ground while metal that is piercing your skin holds you in this fixed state of being. Jesus is my best friend....the one who I always talk to when ever I have a thought or a feeling. I would just like to come closer to understanding what it was like to be Jesus......

Yes! I want to work!

Yes! I realize that I am in a market that is so over saturated with photographers that I am retarded for living here. Yes! I realize that no one really wants to give you a chance and Yes! the economy blows right now. But I want to work. I am trying to work and I feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing is coming out of it. Today...my heart sort of hit rock bottom. So I came up with this crazy idea to try to market myself to people who have pets. First I tried the lazy way....craigslist. Craigslist is so retarded when it comes to trying to find work. No one in their right mind should ever look for work on Craigslist! Why? Craigslist is for bargain shoppers. I know for a fact if I do photo jobs on craigslist, I will hate myself by the end of it because I would have to charge $100 for a job that I would normally charge at least $500+ for. And when you tell someone how much you actually charge, they reply trying to "burn you" by saying how overpriced your work is, how there are tons of photographers on the site who will do what your doing for less and basically you are ridicules for trying to make ends meat. Craigslist will make you hate your life. It makes you think less of yourself. Makes you doubt every ability that you have. As for me, I am a specialized photographer so of course I can charge more. I offer something that extremely few can. I spent over 2 years trying to get to where I am now in image minuplation. Took forever because I had to figure out a lot of it on my own. I was stupid and thought it would be a good idea to offer myself as a photo consultant on Craigslist. I was charging $100/hr which I feel is good compared to people who do photo classes or conventions for hundreds of dollars. And I feel like I would be able to cover a lot more stuff too. This guy was interested, found out it was $100/hr and then said, "wow, that's so much. If I do it, I want my stuff to become your style. You can just show me how to make my stuff look like yours in photoshop." First off, my style is my baby. I am not giving my baby to anyone! That is priceless to me due to all the time spent on it. For $100 he felt that was how much learning how to do my style was worth. I refuse to even write him back after that. I feel like I have been pissed on. I know I am not worthless but dang....that really hurt.
So today I went around promoting myself to people who work at any place pet related in Beverly Hills and Santa Monica (the richer cities). I gave business cards that looked like this:I told all the people I gave it to if I got clients from it and they were refered to me by them, I would give them $50 for every person they brought me. Sounds like a good idea right? I had to go home an hour early because my heart was just on the floor. Everyone is either a skeptic and it doesn't seem like it is going to happen or they already have a photographer. One place I went to called Urbantails on Beverly Blvd. had a loft with this photographer who has been doing portraits for them from the start. I felt so stupid even going in there but the owner was nice and let me just put business cards out on the table. The other place I went to asking about it, I had to stop towards the end of my deal offer and say, "judging by your face....you get this a lot...yes?" He said, "first of all, yes. Second, we have a paying customer who does animal portraits so we only recommend him." That was when I decided to quit for the day. That guy went from being super friendly at the start of our conversation to being very blunt making me feel like I should just go as fast as possible. I basically had to throw a card toward him as a "just in case" which probably came off as "im a jack-ass heeeee haaawwwww heeeee haawwwwww." I think what bummed me out is how we as people in LA have just been burned by everyone. So much to where making an honest easy buck is just as bad as stealing. All they would have to do is say, "hey, I know this guy who does great pet photography if your interested." Give them a card and if they come through, the person would get $50 for promoting me. I thought I would go into this with people being stoked on it. People being able to have a chance to make even more money while they work. It's so funny, I just want to work and yet I feel like I am worthless because no one wants me. In a moment of desperation this last week, I filled out 10 applications to 10 different Starbucks. I....just....want....to....work. I want human interaction. I want conversation. I want myself to become human again. I feel like I am loosing myself to a city. A city that doesn't even deserve it. I want to work. I do. But I am running out of options and that is starting to scare me.

Tanks Giving

So I went to Sacramento this Thanksgiving. It was at my brother and sister-in-laws house. Had a ton of fun! The picture you see is what I took of my brother's dog. I wanted to do some animal portraits. Expand my market. The next day, we got to go rock climbing at this place called Pipeworks. I wish there were more places like that in LA or even Visalia. Such a cool place. Its funny because on thanksgiving I started to read this book called Body Type Diet and Lifetime Nutrition Plan by Elliot Abravanel. It talks about why certain diets only work for certain people and their body type. You take a quiz to find out what body type you are and then it tells you what you can or can not eat. I found out I was a Thyroid type and that basically everthing I was eating was the worst thing for my type. It also explained why despite running and working out at least 4 times a week, not one pound was being shed. So now I eat meat at practically every meal, can't snack and my food portions are super small compared to what I was eating. I feel light though and I have noticed that a lot has changed. So far, I wake up so much easier (this morning went on a run at 6:30am), I no longer fart (which those who know me might be in shock over that alone), and surprisingly, I feel like I have more energy despite my strict no caffein, no sugar rules. So today is day 4 of my diet. They say that I will lose 5% of my weight in the first week alone. Pretty crazy! Lets see if I can keep up with it. I figure the diet + working out will shed the pounds off the fastest. I just want to lose at least 20 pounds by Christmas. That way when we have our family get togethers....I don't have to explain how I gained all this weight due to the anti-anxiety medicine I was taking. My body hates me when I take medicine. Seriously.